What is ‘No’ Trying to tell you?

When the answer is “no,” that’s information, it’s data that we can use to find coherence and move away from dissonance. Just because we “want” it, doesn’t mean it’s right for us.

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It’s hard hearing no, and when we pause, get specific, and name the feeling we hear in the no, that can be a starting point, a starting point to understand ourselves and an opportunity to discover, by asking simple questions:

“What feeling am I feeling?” Get specific and name it.

“How does it feel to feel the feeling!”

“What is this no telling me?”

“What does it mean for me?”

When we become curious, we give ourselves the gift of moving away from the “no”, away from the place that isn’t meant for us, and toward the direction that is. It helps us shift our perspective and find the “Yes, this is 100% for me.”

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Here’s a little example of how this works:

The Offer: One of my employers asked me if I’d be open to a new opportunity, a new management role within their organization.

“Yes, and with support.”

The Downgraded Offer: Two days later I received a second call to inform me the plan had changed; the original opportunity and role were no longer on the table. Instead, they offered an update to my job title from a mid- to senior-level designation, with added management responsibilities that were originally offered in the first opportunity — no salary increase.

No Offer At All: The following day, I received a third call to inform me that the plan had changed yet again, and that I should be prepared for the possibility there would be no changes to title or employment of any sort.

What did I do?

• Identified and acknowledged all my feelings: initially, feelings of interest, respect, and hopefulness; secondly, feelings of fury, awfulness, pressure, disillusionment, and being wronged.

• I went through the “how could they.” It turned out they could and did.

• I talked with a close, trusted friend who acknowledged my feelings of confusion.
• I worked towards Letting Go — letting go of my feelings and of expectations outside of my control — and I made it all about me.
• Then I got to work and made a list of what was in my control, what my goals were, how I was achieving those goals, and how the employer had helped or hindered me in meeting those goals.

I was thankful for the pauses that were afforded me between the offers. They gave me time to gain real perspective on what I actually needed, and to see that, deep down, neither role would have provided the things that truly added value and gave benefit to me. Ultimately, the ‘spaces and places’ offered, weren’t for me. Sure, the first would have provided money and a new title for my ego, and the second could have similarly fed my ego with a new title, as well as a feeling of “being part of the gang.” But neither of these things would actually have helped me accomplish my goals.

Acknowledging and letting go of all my feelings helped me get to new feelings of courage, confidence, and inspiration. And in the place of “no,” I reaffirmed my commitment to my goals with a resounding “YES.” Yes, I wanted to keep working towards my personal goals. Yes, I was in a position to financially meet those goals without an offer. Yes, I valued my personal time. Yes, I valued the manageable level of friction currently in my work-life that provided me balance. And yes, had the company chosen to cut ties with me, I would have been okay, not great, but okay.

Did I feel conflicted for not “fighting” for the unfairness of the offers? Yes. There are two sides to a coin. But why don’t we bet on ourselves, instead of sleepwalking through work to help others achieve their goals at a price to ourselves, or fighting every time we have a no or something that doesn’t go our way?

Often it’s Fear, of course.

Which is why it’s so important that we take in all the data offered, the no’s and the yes’s, and really get to know what’s behind them, name the feelings and let go of what we cannot control. To bet on ourselves, and strive towards what we value and find coherence. Not to make ourselves feel better when things don’t go our way, but precisely to find our path, the one meant for us.

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Note that these are my personal reflections, offered for thought and self-evaluation, not as advice. Use your own judgment.